


Everqueen: TTS Edition

by Anonymous



Series: Everqueen Timeline [2]
Category: Warhammer 40.000
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Follows Everqueen canon but with a humorous twist, Gen, INDEFINITE HIATUS, In the Text to Speech format, Script Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 02:28:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21990055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: So the Eldar have fucked themselves over, both literally and metaphorically. Isha is supposed to be a helpless victim, held by Slaanesh until she's captured and locked away by Nurgle for the next ten thousand or so years.Isha has different plans.Everqueen, if viewed through the Text to Speech filter that it deserves.
Series: Everqueen Timeline [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1557238
Comments: 6
Kudos: 91
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Episode 1: Hitting Rock Bottom

===================================  
Episode 1: Hitting Rock Bottom  
===================================  
  
[Scene: The Warp. The Aeldari Pantheon is standing around, most of them decked in battlegear. Nearby is a churning mass of hot pink madness making uncomfortably lewd noises.]  
  
Asuryan: Does everyone know the plan?  
  
Khaine: Hit that disgusting thing until it knows it's place or dies!  
  
Vaul: And then figure out what to do with it.  
  
Lileath: *under breath* This is the stupidest thing we've ever done, and that's saying something...  
  
Isha: I still think this could have been solved much earlier simply by lowering the ban on visiting the Aeldari and knocking sense into them.  
  
Asuryan: And give Khaine another chance to kill them all?  
  
Isha: *under breath* Honestly at this point, I’d even take that…  
  
Kurnous: *pats his wife on the shoulder* Don’t worry, dear, this will probably get it all out of their system in one go.  
  
Khaine: Where is that clown coward? He should have been here by now!  
  
Morai-Heg: Yes, he is running late… I don’t suppose you’ve seen him recently, Isha?  
  
Isha: Well…  
  
[Brief flashback to Cegorach nailing an ‘out of order’ sign to a webway entrance before waving at Isha and heading inside, closing and locking the door behind himself. Scene returns to present.]  
  
Isha: I think there was something about the webway passages being out of order.  
  
Asuryan: Again? Really, something’s going to have to be done one of these millenia, it’s getting ridiculous.  
  
Lileath: Look out, it’s spawning!  
  
[An explosion of pink rolls past all of them, cackling laughter sounding across the Warp as the newest God is born.]  
  
Slaanesh: HELLO, BOYS AND GIRLS! WHO’S READY FOR SOME _FUN_ ~  
  
Asuryan: *rolls neck* It has a sense of timing, at least.  
  
Vaul: I suppose there’s no escaping this now...  
  
Kurnous: This might be an interesting fight for once.  
  
Isha: *sigh* I really think this could have been prevented entirely…  
  
[As the other five head offscreen to attack Slaanesh, Isha gets tapped on the shoulder by Tzeentch.]  
  
Isha: *turns to look and recoils briefly* What the- who are you??  
  
Tzeentch: I thought you might need this. *hands over clear plastic umbrella, already opened*  
  
Isha: *hold it to the side* ...why in the world would I need this? The others are about to-  
  
[The umbrella is abruptly splattered in guts and warp-viscera, both Isha and Tzeentch managing to remain clean because of the precise placement of the head of the umbrella.]  
  
Isha: I- what in the worlds-  
  
[Looks over to see Slaanesh fighting with Khaine, wearing Kurnous’ now overly glamoured armor and wielding Asuryan's sword with unnecessary flourish in between strikes. There's no sign of any of the other Warp gods besides scraps of their clothing or hair.]  
  
Isha: ...we should go.  
  
[Turns back to Tzeentch, who’s rolling over and over cackling at her and at the carnage, as well as the other two Chaos gods who just showed up to enjoy the show.]  
  
Isha: ...I should go. I’m-  
  
[Backs up into Nurgle, and pauses to look when she turns to see who it is.]  
  
Isha: ...eep.  
  
Nurgle: Why hello there, Miss Isha. Lovely day today, isn’t it?  
  
Isha: I, ah, well.  
  
[Screen shift over to where Slaanesh and Khaine are still fighting, with Tzeentch playing with a few of the bodies while Khorne strides over.]  
  
Slaanesh: Hey, you sac of pus, lay off of her, she’s mine!  
  
Nurgle: *from offscreen* As if she’d want to stay with a drug-addled brat like you, instead of a caring and thoughtful being like myself.  
  
Slaanesh: Oh yeah? Wanna say that to my face?  
  
Khaine: Take this fight seriously, you whore!  
  
Slaanesh: Maybe when you stop being so _bo_ -ring- (is interrupted by a swing of Khorne's sword) Hey, what's the big deal?!  
  
Khorne: Khaine belongs to _me_ , not you.  
  
Slaanesh: Oh, _really?_  
  
Khaine: Enough of this. I belong to neither of you-  
  
[Khaine is interrupted as Khorne seizes one arm and Slaanesh seizes the other, and they begin to use him for tug of war as Khaine screams in agony]  
  
Slaanesh: _Let - go - you - bloodthirsty moron!_  
  
Khorne: _You_ let go, you stupid whore.  
  
[Glowing red cracks begin to spread across Khaine's body as the tug of war continues, until Khaine explodes in a thousand thousand pieces, sending Slaanesh hurtling across the room]  
  
Tzeentch: *holding up three signs with numbers on them* I give it a six for style, an eight for the explosion, and a nine for the sheer entertainment value.  
  
[Slaanesh crashes to a halt besides Isha and Nurgle, looking moderately beat up from the explosion]  
  
Slaanesh: Ohh, I’m feeling so faint… I think I need a medic…  
  
[Isha steps away, only for Slaanesh to pop up and pull her in close, cupping one of her cheeks.]  
  
Slaanesh: Won’t you open your kind and gentle heart to this wounded soul, and take care of me? I’ll let you go over _every inch_ to make sure I’m back to full strength for afterwards~  
  
Nurgle: *slides in* You know, if you like, I can handle this one for you, miss Isha.  
  
Slaanesh: *tsks* We’re having a moment here, rotface, go away.  
  
Isha: *struggling to escape Slaanesh’s grip* You already killed the rest! Either kill me or let me go, but stop with this humiliation! You’ve won!  
  
Slaanesh: *chuckles* But where would be the fun in just letting you go? Why, all those tears in you, all the building frustration… it’s a delight to the senses, a banquet of pleasures, all for me to indulge in for the rest of time! Unless you want to play some other game with me instead~?  
  
Isha: I- what- no, let me _go_!  
  
Slaanesh: The hunter and hunted? I like the way you think! I could even look like your dearly departed husband, to better fit the game! *makes themselves looks like Kurnous* Didn’t you just love to play it with him all those aeons ago?  
  
Isha: *stops and glares at Slaanesh* How dare you defile my husband's memory like that, you fetid whore.  
  
Slaanesh: Not your hubby then? Maybe this one will make you more comfortable~ *shifts themselves to look like Lileath* I’m sorry mommy, I’ve been bad…  
  
[Isha goes completely still. Tzeentch, Nurgle and Khorne all back up a step and Slaanesh pokes Isha’s face in sudden confusion.]  
  
[Meanwhile, on the minor Eldar craftworld Ctho.]  
  
Eldar 1: I can’t believe it… so many worlds gone, so much history and effort lost... all because of those pleasure-obsessed fools...  
  
Eldar 2: At least we saved most of the important relics of our world before it was too late. With any luck, we’ll be able to rebuild the best parts within the walls of our craftworld and-  
  
[A massive psychic scream pierces through the craftworld, causing the two to press their hands to their heads in pain before it cuts out as quickly as it came.]  
  
Eldar 1: What in the gods’ names was that?  
  
Eldar 2: I have the strange feeling I recognize that voice, but where…?  
  
[Back with Isha and the Chaos Gods, the former of whom is doing her best attempt to murder Slaanesh with the umbrella while Slaanesh offers moans of pleasure and encouragement.]  
  
Khorne: ...trade you for the sword guy.  
  
Nurgle: _Excuse_ me? Why would I want some muscle bound brute when I could have a delicate and gentle flower to crown my gardens?  
  
Isha: I’LL RIP OUT YOUR STOMACH, YOU ABOMINABLE CANCER ON REALITY!  
  
Slaanesh: Oh, yes mistress, belittle me more, show me who’s in charge~  
  
Khorne: I’m just saying, leaving her in a cage is a real waste when we could be seeing how long we can push her to fight for her life. I’ve heard some interesting things about those plant armies of hers, and I bet they’d be really fun to fight if I got her to water them with blood.  
  
Tzeentch: Are you sure you wouldn’t mind leaving her with me for a few minutes first? I have a few wonderful plans I could use her to pull off.  
  
Nurgle: She’s _my_ waifu, we agreed ages ago when we divided up the survivors!  
  
Tzeentch: Yes, well, Cegorach ran away and Khaine is rather one dimensional, but this one is _interesting_.  
  
[Another scream echoes, and the three look back to Isha as she steps back, covered in Slaanesh’s blood and breathing heavily, although it’s obvious that Slaanesh isn’t even really harmed based on the way they twist themselves around to show off.]  
  
Slaanesh: Oh mistress, _please_ keep going, I’ve been so bad~  
  
Isha: I would rather - *realizes she’s the center of attention of all four, dropping the umbrella with another squeak of horror and hunching to make herself smaller*  
  
Slaanesh: *now annoyed as they get up to face the others* Thanks for ruining the mood, I was just getting her amped up for the good stuff. And for the record, she’s Eldar, therefore she’s _mine_.  
  
Nurgle: If you’re looking for a fight over her hand, I’ll be happy to give you one you won’t forget.  
  
Khorne: Just because you’re hyped up on all those souls doesn’t make you the biggest player on the block.  
  
Tzeentch: And we’d never turn down a chance to remind you of your place in this pantheon, youngest one.  
  
Slaanesh: _Bring it_.  
  
[While the four start arguing further and are just about ready to brawl, Isha slowly starts stepping backwards, creeping slowly further from them while they’re distracted. When she’s far enough away, she turns to flee only to step on a daemonette, which squeals as it crumples under her foot.]  
  
Isha: Uh-oh.  
  
Tzeentch: Hey, wait, get back here!  
  
Isha: Eep! *bolts like her life depends on it*  
  
[Cue a benny hill chase scene across the Warp, Isha ducking and dodging all attempts to catch her while the four keep running into each other and quarreling before realizing they’re falling behind and returning to the chase. Eventually, though, she escapes into an empty part of the warp with no more cover, where she ends up trapped between a cliff and the four.]  
  
Tzeentch: Clever, but not clever enough.  
  
Khorne: And now you’ll pay the price for your failure.  
  
Nurgle: Come with us, and we’ll be gentle…  
  
Slaanesh: Mostly, anyways… *perverted giggle*  
  
[Isha looks over the edge, and then back to them, a grin on her lips.]  
  
Isha: Sorry, but this is my stop. Better luck never!  
  
[Hops off the edge of the warp, right past a ‘No Trespassing’ sign. Slaanesh is set to rush after, only to be held back by Khorne.]  
  
Slaanesh: Let me go, she’s getting away!  
  
Khorne: Hold on a minute there, hotshot, you don’t want to go that way.  
  
Slaanesh: Why not? What’s so special about that place?  
  
Nurgle: That’s where _He_ lives.  
  
Slaanesh: Who?  
  
Tzeentch: The one being who has managed to solve all my riddles, fill Nurgle’s house with air fresheners, and beat Khorne in arm wrestling...  
  
[Meanwhile, on ~~Terra~~ Earth, outside of the Bai-heng hive, during a victory celebration.]  
  
Emperor: Ah, another victory of the hardy boys under our belts, and another bloc brought under our control. Without any further complications, we should be all done with cleaning up in a decade or so.  
  
Malcador: Yes, though we still need to deal with Kalagann and Ursh. We've destroyed the other empires and kingdoms built by Chaos cults, but Ursh is larger and stronger than rest of them combined.  
  
Emperor: Don't worry so much, old friend. We'll deal with Ursh in time. For now, we should just celebrate our victory.  
  
Malcador: I suppose you're right...  
  
Emperor: It's been a good day, Mal. And we invested a lot of effort in this party. The only way it could get better is if some Eldar hookers dropped out of the sky-  
  
[Isha crashes in from the heavens, leaving a massive crater in the ground and the rest of the people nearby scrambling to get away. Malcador looks from the crater up to the sky and then back to the crater, while the Emperor slides down into it to check on the newcomer.]  
  
Malcador: ...the only way this day could get better is if a mountain of complete STCs got unearthed just now.  
  
[Beat while nothing happens.]  
  
Malcador: ...ah, well. Wasn't expecting to work, but it was worth a shot.  
  
Emperor: Mal, you might want to see this.  
  
Malcador: What? Does she need a medic or something?  
  
[Screen shifts down into the crater, where Isha is lying face down in a small field of grasses and shrubs that definitely weren’t there earlier, with the Emperor kneeling next to her.]  
  
Emperor: No, I’m fairly certain she _is_ the medic.  
  
Isha: ...ow…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Off Fridays are for side story things, like this TTS thing. And yes, I will be doing side-along TTS takes for the entire story, because writing TTS!Emps is gonna be super fucking hilarious as we go along.
> 
> As with the premise of the original TTS series, all this stuff will technically be true to this story's canon, if stretching things in some places for the sake of humor. Because my ability to be hilarious knows no bounds.
> 
> Side story things won't be every alt Friday, mostly just whenever I write them and they are no longer spoilers for the main story. Hope you enjoy! I sure did.


	2. Episode 2: A Bit of a Fixer-Upper

===================================  
Episode 2: A Bit of a Fixer-Upper  
===================================  
  
[Scene: A Laboratory in the Palace. The Emperor, Isha, Malcador, and several Custodians enter through the massive doorway.]  
  
Isha: I’m surprised you managed to put something together so quickly. I expected you to be leery of trusting me around your projects.  
  
Emperor: You’d be surprised at how quickly things can get done around here; it’s one of the Imperium’s strengths, you know.  
  
Isha: Well, I suppose you would have to be with everything so close together.  
  
Emperor: Of course. As far as your work is concerned, we are going to keep track of your speed and efficiency, as well as your behavior. Any misbehavior and our deal is off.  
  
Isha: I understand. Do you have any particular requirements for my work?  
  
Emperor: It’s an assessment, so just do what needs to be done.  
  
Isha: Alright, let me know if you need me!  
  
[Moves herself over to the rather laden table of projects, humming cheerfully as she gets to work.]  
  
Malcador: You know, we can still just throw her in the dungeons, it’s not as though she needs to eat or drink as a warp entity.  
  
Emperor: True, but this is a better way of assessing her personality and abilities, as well as learning of any hidden plans she might have.  
  
Malcador: (rolls his eyes) Just because it was amusing to toy with the last few Eldar who thought it would be entertaining to try to manipulate you doesn’t mean you need to play the same game with this one.  
  
Emperor: None of them were a warp goddess made flesh, especially one well noted to being their mother deity.  
  
Malcador: So?  
  
Emperor: (smirks) Well, it does she mean she’d have a lot of practice in _that_ area...  
  
Malcador: ...I don’t know why I expected anything else, given your... _preferences_.  
  
Emperor: And besides that, she’s a living repository of knowledge from the Old Ones themselves; it would be foolish to not try to get what information I can get from her before washing our hands of her.  
  
Malcador: Doesn’t that just make her an even bigger risk?  
  
Emperor: She’s significantly less powerful than I am right now. Combined with the wards and shackles, I’m confident we can contain her.  
  
[Isha returns to join them, a small bounce in her step. Both the Emperor and Malcador startle.]  
  
Isha: I’m done!  
  
Emperor: You are?  
  
[Malcador and the Emperor move over to the table, checking all the stuff in growing bafflement and concern. The seeds are all clearly altered and the racks of vials, once murky and cloudy, are all now clear and almost shining.]  
  
Isha: I know, I was going a bit slow, but I was taking a few liberties with the seeds… most of them are just fixed, but I modified some of them for drought and disease resilience, as well as fruitfulness, just in case…  
  
Emperor: I see. Is there a reason why you did so?  
  
Isha: Well, I was showing my talents. It’s one thing to restore what’s there, and another to improve on it. Just because I’m weakened doesn’t mean I’ve lost my touch.  
  
Emperor: And the diseases?  
  
Isha: All of them have been made into ready cures for their respective pathogens.  
  
Malcador: (under breath) I don’t believe this, she actually made a fast acting counter-agent to the Life Eater virus…  
  
Emperor: Hmm. Well, this is all certainly impressive and says much of your abilities.  
  
Isha: Thank you. Was that all you needed from me?  
  
Emperor: No, that was merely the first step. Your next task will be to handle the patients currently in the infirmary, if you're willing.  
  
Isha: (beams brightly) Of course! I'm always happy to help people in need.  
  
Malcador: (speaking telepathically) _Revelation, are you sure_ _this is a good idea? These are people we're exposing to her, not inanimate objects._  
  
Emperor: _We need to assess her capabilities and knowledge as best as we can. Since she's a goddess of healing, this seems appropriate._  
  
Malcador: _Very well, but if this goes wrong, don't say I didn't warn you._  
  
Emperor: _It’s not a problem, I can just wipe their memories afterwards so they don’t remember anything, and at worst we can clean up the aftermath._ (coughs and speaks to Isha) Leonidas, we’re escorting her to the infirmary.  
  
Leonidas: As you say, my liege! In formation!  
  
[The Custodians form an honor guard around the three, and so the walk down the hall begins. The Emperor ends up walking alongside Isha.]  
  
Emperor: So... I take it you haven’t had too much trouble adjusting to your new accommodations so far?  
  
Isha: Only a little. Time sometimes still gets away from me, and having the entirety of myself contained in a material vessel is… different.  
  
Emperor: That’s actually something I was curious about - I had no idea warp entities could make their own material forms.  
  
Isha: Oh, I and the rest of the pantheon were shaped that way by the Old Ones, since it allowed us to coordinate with our people more effectively. Plus it would be rather difficult to counter the C’tan without some form of access to the material.  
  
Emperor: Interesting…and then Asuryan prevented you from doing so?  
  
Isha: (huff) He did, and I haven’t forgiven him since. Doubly so for what he allowed to happen when I found a loophole in his idiotic rules…  
  
Emperor: Loophole?  
  
Isha: We couldn’t manifest in the materium, but there was nothing that said I couldn’t create something that I could communicate through to express myself to my children.  
  
Emperor: I must confess, I can’t see you as the kind of person to go looking for ways to bend the rules like that...  
  
Isha: (laughs) I’m the patron of rebels. What else would you expect from a goddess of life?  
  
Emperor: ...you know, that’s a fair point.  
  
Malcador: We’re here.  
  
Emperor: Ah, good. After you.  
  
[The Emperor lets her into the infirmary, where her new patients are waiting. Isha immediately skips ahead on seeing the humans in need, hands glowing green as she checks them all over with her powers and starts to fuss.]  
  
Emperor: (speaking psychically) _...that is some impressive work, I have to admit._  
  
Malcador: _I suppose it is to be expected of a god-construct designed with an unquestioned mastery of genetic manipulation. Still, it’s strange seeing an Eldar being so kind and thoughtful. Are you sure she’s not just faking it? No hidden disgust or ego at working with sick humans?_  
  
Emperor: _She’s not hiding anything, she’s actually happy to be helping them recover._  
  
Malcador: _Are we sure she’s an Eldar or a warp entity? She’s not exactly filling any of the checkboxes for how they’re supposed to act._  
  
Emperor: _I can’t think of any other being alive who would have the aura, power and abilities she does. I had seen perhaps half of the biomancy techniques she's used so far before this, and they weren't so refined. Perhaps if we keep her around, we could actually accelerate some of our plans..._  
  
Malcador: _Aren’t you worried about her trying to undermine you? If she really is the mother of the Eldar..._  
  
Emperor: _It wouldn’t be anything that we couldn’t handle with a solid application of fire if necessary. Besides, I chose patients whose conditions would actually pose a challenge to her._  
  
[Screen shift over to the patients, of which the first two are already healed, looking shocked and elated with all the bandages and wires gone.]  
  
Patient 1: I- my head is clear, and I don’t feel like I'm falling apart anymore!  
  
Patient 2: All my mutations are gone! I feel normal!  
  
Patient 1: It’s a miracle! Praise the lady!  
  
All of them: (excited) Oorah!  
  
[Back to the Emperor and Malcador, who sit in silence for a moment.]  
  
Malcador: _So._  
  
Emperor: _This is fine, I have this completely under control._  
  
Malcador: _Of course you do._  
  
Emperor: _So I may have underestimated her capabilities a little. I wasn't expecting her to be able to do so much so quickly in her weakened state. What else can we use to test her?_  
  
Malcador: _Do you seriously expect me to just conjure up a solution to your own failed attempt to prove she has a hidden agenda?_  
  
Emperor: _**Yes!**_  
  
Malcador: _Fine, just give me a moment to think...don't we still have that one Thunder Warrior who was scheduled for some experimental gene therapies to see if we could stabilize him? We could use him for this instead._  
  
Emperor: (thoughtful) _Yes, that should work._ (speaking verbally) Leonidas, bring that Thunder Warrior who was due to be treated tomorrow, here, quickly and discreetly.  
  
Leonidas: As you say, my liege! (off he goes)  
  
[The Emperor and Malcador scoot themselves over to the group of patients, watching Isha work through them like a healing machine.]  
  
Emperor: You seem to be doing well.  
  
Isha: (scoff) I’m not going to be sloppy when lives are on the line. I would have been faster, but I wanted to ensure their constitutions were up to snuff so they didn’t have to spend time building their strength back up so that they can get back to their normal lives as soon as possible.  
  
Emperor: Even the one with the warp mutations?  
  
Isha: Oh, yes, that poor girl was easy enough to fix. Chaos may have a fixation on disgusting and harmful mutations, but their methods of doing so are crude and easy to reverse if you know what to do. (distracted with patient) No, stay still while I’m regrowing half your internal tissues, would you?  
  
Emperor: So what exactly are you doing with this one?  
  
Isha: Well, this boy’s multi-organ degeneracy was caused by flaws in the genetic matrix along several chromosomal flaws interacting poorly, so I had to unwind and rewrite his genetic sequencing in order to have them produce the appropriate proteins. Once I re-wrapped them all, I sliced out all the currently damaged to dead material and faulty proteins and ground them all into their component material to use as resources for rapid cellular growth to replace the missing tissues. I’m just finishing that up, actually, and then I’m going to do a last go over for any smaller damages or concerns I need to correct before I’m finished with him and I can turn him over to you.  
  
Emperor: Excellent. I'm glad to see your work is going so well. (mentally) _Hopefully, the Thunder Warrior will be an actual challenge for her..._  
  
Malcador: (peeks in on the scene) They’re back with the package. Do you want him brought in?  
  
Emperor: In a minute or two, let her finish up with this first.  
  
Malcador: As you say.  
  
Isha: (steps back and wipes her hands on her clothing) They’re all healed up, if you wanted to give them a checkup yourself.  
  
Emperor: I’ll have my geneticists and apothecaries do that in a moment. As for you, I have one last task I need you to do for me before you are returned to your rooms.  
  
Isha: Oh? What is it?  
  
Emperor: Malcador? The subject?  
  
Malcador: Bring in the subject.  
  
[Leonidas and another custodian come in, a snarling and writhing Thunder Warrior between them trying to escape, but between the shackles and the muzzle, there’s no place he’s going, especially being held between the custodians.]  
  
Leonidas: The subject is here for evaluation, my liege!  
  
Emperor: Based on your work with the other human subjects, I trust this one shouldn’t be too much harder to handle…  
  
[Isha is perfectly still, but there’s a high pitched noise that sounds suspiciously like a kettle about to go off coming from her general area.]  
  
Emperor: Is something the matter?  
  
Isha: (angry) The matter? _The matter?_ What’s wrong is how you butchered this poor man’s genetic sequencing! What in the name of the Old Ones did you do to him?  
  
Emperor: I’m so sorry my work doesn’t meet your exacting standards, but this was all I could do with the limited resources, flawed technology and geneticists with incomplete knowledge that I had available.  
  
Isha: (voice low and dangerous) Then step aside so I can fix it.  
  
Emperor: The warrior, the machinery, or the geneticists?  
  
Isha: _Yes._  
  
[Isha shoves the custodians out of the way to grab the Thunder Warrior, who has gone perfectly still and wide eyed at being gently manhandled. The custodians also back away cautiously.]  
  
Isha: (hissing) Time for a health check up.  
  
[Scene goes back to the Emperor and Malcador, with the two custodians also watching the offscreen noises of frustrated muttering from the goddess and yelps and whimpers and occasional scream of the Warrior.]  
  
Isha: (angry muttering offscreen) -can’t believe there’s no compensation for the muscles literally tearing the body apart, what sort of idiot-  
  
Emperor: ...she’s rather attractive when she’s angry.  
  
Malcador: (disgusted noise) You have absolutely no taste in women whatsoever.  
  
Emperor: What can I say, I like women with some fire to them, who are willing to push back. It's more enjoyable when there's a challenge.  
  
Malcador: If nothing else, you probably can't make as much of a mess of this as you did with your last relationship. Probably.  
  
Isha: (angry muttering offscreen) -a stupid amount of protein buildup in the brain tissue, how he’s even capable of speech I have no clue, what were you thinking-  
  
Emperor: (huff) I'll have you know that was a mutual decision by Alivia and I to put an end to our relationship so that we could both pursue greater goals for the sake of mankind.  
  
Malcador: You left her behind to watch a warp gate by teleporting off-world after dropping the assignment on her without even saying goodbye.  
  
Emperor: ...it would have been awkward. There would almost certainly have been crying and guilt tripping involved.  
  
Malcador: And you would have deserved every moment of it.  
  
Isha: (frustrated huff) Done.  
  
[Screen shifts back over to her just as she lets the Thunder Warrior thump to the floor, insensate.]  
  
Isha: (spins to face the Emperor, finger pointing at him) And if I ever have to deal with gene-work that sloppy again without prior warning, there will be _words_.  
  
[Storms out of the lab, two of the custodians yelping before rushing after. Another moment of silence between the Emperor and Malcador commences.]  
  
Emperor: I think that went well.  
  
Malcador: Let’s see if you still feel that when you see the amount of paperwork this little stunt of yours will have generated.  
  
Emperor: Still, I’m surprised. I had no idea she had a temper like that. I thought she was described as gentle and nurturing.  
  
Malcador: Maybe you should consider not trying to seduce her, since this is a xeno warp goddess. Who knows what kind of STDs she can conjure on the fly for you to suffer from?  
  
Emperor: (now a bit flustered) Just because she’s clearly much more intelligent and attractive than expected doesn’t mean I’m actually going to try to sleep with her. As I said before, I'm just being gracious because that's the best way to gather information.  
  
[Silent, judgmental look from Malcador.]  
  
Emperor: ...not yet, at least. I can't do that until I can afford to kick her out afterwards.  
  
Malcador: And potentially allow her to run off with the secrets of the Imperium to her people?  
  
Emperor: It will be fine, I have complete control over this situation. She won't learn anything we don't want her to.  
  
[A dataslate comes flying in from the side, smacking the Emperor in the face before it lands in his hands.]  
  
Isha: (In the distance) EDUCATE YOURSELF AND FIX THEM.  
  
[Brief silence ensues.]  
  
Emperor: ...It will be fine, I have complete control over this situation.  
  
Malcador: As you say, my lord. I have no doubt your usual dignity and competence will see you through this situation as well as it has every other time.  
  
Emperor: (dryly) Thank you for the vote of confidence, my friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Finally figured out what I wanted to do with episode 2. There were like two drafts before this that were… various stages of worse, and this still seems a bit rushed, but it’s setting up for episode 3, which should be the episode that will catch things up to the main story. Anyways, I’m sure everyone’s going to realize very quickly there’s something strange going on here, so I’m going to get ahead of the questions and clarify:
> 
> The main story still won’t have romance. Isha and the Emperor are not characters who would see each other in that way, for a LOT of reasons. I don’t plan on changing this.
> 
> On the other hand, the TTS Emperor? Mr. Eldar Hookers himself? Whoo boy is that another story. I’m still not quite inclined to actually make it a high key romance, but I realized very early on in outlining the TTS version that I would absolutely want to - and at this point even need to - write the Emperor having to fumble and panic over having actual feelings and the sheer embarrassment he makes of himself on his one-sided crush.
> 
> To note, though, that I still don’t actually plan on making them a couple. And I don’t actually plan on overplaying the ‘helpless crush’ gag, or focusing on it overmuch compared to trying to maintain the plot, but I figured a warning in advance for that sort of content was only fair. This is meant entirely to be some degree of poking fun at the TTS Emperor in comparison to the one in my main story.
> 
> Also, fair warning: There's been some edits to Episode/Chapter 1, mostly just to clean up some dialogue and also to add in some small changes that will be added to the first chapter of the main story eventually. It's nothing huge that affects this chapter or any future ones, but figured there should be warning nonetheless.


	3. Episode 3: Life is Suffering

===================================  
Episode 3: Life is Suffering  
===================================  
  
[Scene: The Warp. The Four Gods of Chaos are gathered around, caught up in some form of argument.]  
  
Slaanesh: I still can’t believe you let her get away!   
  
Nurgle: You were the one to rile her up enough that I couldn’t keep a hold of her despair! All that cultivation, wasted because of your little daemonette mouthing off!  
  
Slaanesh: (scoff and hand wave) Oh please, it was your balls of pus getting all handsy with her that disgusted her enough to run the materium instead of putting up with your stench for the next ten thousand years.  
  
Nurgle: You, talking about laying hands on someone? It was your daemonettes who were stripping her bare for anyone to ogle!  
  
Slaanesh: Well, it wasn’t like she needed that armor when she wasn’t even supposed to be fighting.  
  
Khorne: (grumble) Still a waste we didn’t let her build an army to fight with.   
  
Nurgle: She’s delicate and frightened! She needs to be protected, not thrown into your games.  
  
Tzeentch: I imagine she’d be quite entertaining in games, actually.  
  
Khorne: She could have been a champion if she weren’t so afraid to fight back. All I would have needed was a few centuries…  
  
Slaanesh: And scar up that body of hers wastefully? I’m all for bloodplay, but it’s so much nicer on the sheets than on the battlefield.  
  
Nurgle: You two and your obsession with blood! Blood is much more useful inside her body, carrying the vectors to all the diseases I could be brewing for her to try. (sighs forlornly) I had so many ideas… all going to waste…  
  
Slaanesh: Honestly, it’s no fun if she’s getting sick all the time, even if she can recover from it. It’d be inefficient for getting the most pain and pleasure out of her.  
  
Tzeentch: Oh, you mean before you finished with her for good?  
  
Nurgle: What do you mean _for good_?  
  
Slaanesh: What were you expecting, a comfy little cottage for her to live in like you were planning? No, she only gets to live until she’s boring, and then I plan on devouring her whole. (tosses hair back, pulling a mirror out from nowhere to look themselves over) I think her face would really look stunning on me, don’t you?  
  
Nurgle: _DEVOUR_ HER? HOW DARE YOU, BRAT!  
  
Slaanesh: SHE’S MINE, I GET TO DECIDE WHAT TO DO WITH HER!  
  
Nurgle: NO, SHE’S MINE!  
  
Slaanesh: MINE!  
  
Nurgle: MINE!  
  
Khorne: Will the two of you shut up already! It’s obvious we’re going nowhere with this.  
  
Tzeentch: And we can’t forget we have other concerns besides one rogue goddess.  
  
Nurgle: More important than Isha? Her being in his hands could ruin everything!  
  
Khorne: Come on, she’s not that powerful outside the warp, especially in his territory.  
  
Tzeentch: The odds of her surviving long enough to do anything important are too low to mention, really.  
  
Slaanesh: (sigh) Urgh, fine, let’s focus on the original plan, from before she decided to be a little wretch.   
  
Nurgle: Well, I suppose it would be nice to collect on what he owes us after what he stole, even if it can’t fill the hole in my heart…  
  
Slaanesh: You mean the one oozing with pus, or the one with stomach acid?  
  
Khorne: He means the one the shit comes out of.  
  
Slaanesh: Oh, I thought that was his mouth.  
  
Nurgle: I’m still more than willing to put you in your place, if you keep pushing like this.  
  
Slaanesh: (mocking purr) Oh please, give me your worst punishment, I’ve been a bad girl lately...  
  
Tzeentch: Enough! The Primarchs are ripe for the plucking, and with the Anathema distracted, now is the most opportune moment to strike.  
  
Slaanesh: Yeah yeah, I know, everything’s all set up already, literally all we have to do is pull the lever.  
  
Tzeentch: The correct lever. I can’t begin to explain the narrative headache that will come if we pull the wrong one and scatter them to the wrong places.  
  
Slaanesh: (raised brow) But isn’t half your thing finding the most convoluted timelines and fucking around with them?  
  
Tzeentch: (waggles hand) It might be, it might not be.  
  
Khorne: Well, that would explain why you didn’t see Isha coming.   
  
Tzeentch: It was a slight miscalculation! There was no way what happened should have happened, and I still can’t figure out why!  
  
Slaanesh: Whatever, it’s happened and she’s gone. I want to do this before the window of opportunity closes… unless you want Isha to get her hands on the Primarchs and make them untouchable?  
  
Khorne: Urgh, please don’t suggest stuff like that, it’s disgusting.  
  
Tzeentch: Indeed, imagining Primarchs immune to our teachings is just unpleasant.  
  
Nurgle: (hopeful) We’ll be able to rescue Isha while we’re at it, won’t we?  
  
Khorne: (scoff) We don’t have time to waste on a half-bit washed up goddess like her. If you want to waste your energy going after her, feel free.  
  
Tzeentch: I agree, especially when it’s highly likely that golden brat will either kill her right away, or torture her for her knowledge before killing her. There’s no sense in wasting our collective energy trying to get to her as well.  
  
Nurgle: (wailing) Oh, my poor, beloved Isha! How you must be suffering away from me right now!  
  
Slaanesh: (sigh) Oh me, why is this rabble what I have to work with?  
  
[Meanwhile, on Terra, in a very nice bedroom suite, with many decals and symbols that indicate that this is for Imperial guests. Isha sits in a somewhat fancy seat, reading a datapad.]  
  
Isha: This language would be so much easier to figure out if I just knew the narrative significance behind the syntax involved…   
  
[A knock on the door before it is opened by one of the guards, allowing a servant in with a tray loaded with a full meal - a salad, some roast meat, a bowl of rich dark stew, and a bowl of roasted tubers, as well as a glass each of wine and water.]  
  
Servant: Your meal, madam.  
  
Isha: Oh, thank you! If you could just leave it at the desk, please? I’ll get to it in just a minute.  
  
[The servant sets it down on the desk beside her, bowing shallowly before moving to leave, only to panic and bow more deeply as the Emperor is let into the room.]  
  
Servant: Your majesty!  
  
Emperor: Be on your way.  
  
[The servant rushes out of the room, the door closing behind them.]  
  
Isha: Greetings, your majesty.  
  
Emperor: Greetings to you as well. I see they have brought you your meal.  
  
Isha: They did, and I do appreciate it. Every little bit of energy helps, after all.  
  
Emperor: I can imagine. Do you mind if I sit down?  
  
Isha: Not at all.  
  
[The Emperor sits on the bed, hands clasped together on his lap.]  
  
Emperor: I have come to see that my initial assessment of your presence here was somewhat… hasty. I hope that we might speak for a while and rectify the issue before finalizing the deal I offered you earlier.  
  
Isha: Oh, I understand. I did make something of a spectacle of myself with my hasty arrival, and I know my people have been anything but kind to yours.  
  
Emperor: (huff of laughter) An understatement if I’ve ever heard one. Though it still begs the question of what brings an Eldar goddess to my doorstep at all, when there must be thousands of Eldar worlds who would have bent themselves in twain to accommodate you, or even the Webway’s twisting mazes to lose yourself in.  
  
Isha: (sighs) The Webway was too damaged for me to safely enter near where I was, and any other entrances would have taken too long for me to get to in order to get away. In addition, I must admit that seeing them so soon after what they did would not have had me in the most forgiving of moods.  
  
Emperor: So you hoped that I and my people would be enough to shield you from the unwanted attentions of the four instead.  
  
Isha: (wince) I can see how bad that looks in retrospect, but I did not intend to put your people in harm’s way, merely to get enough time to recover my strength before I search out my children and reprimand them.  
  
Emperor: An ambitious goal, though I must ask why you didn’t step in before they chose to create their pleasure god and tear apart their own empire from the inside out.  
  
Isha: (grimace) Asuryan would be why. If the choice had been up to me, I would have stepped in several million years ago to whip them into shape, well before they fell far enough to create that… degenerate being. However, he refused to admit to his mistake in separating the gods from their people, and now I am the only one left besides Cegorach to clean up the aftermath and hope that my people will actually listen to me now that I’m on this side of the veil.  
  
Emperor: And if they don’t?  
  
Isha: Then they suffer the consequences. A thorough spanking is the least all of them deserve, though I will probably have to forgo that for yelling so that I’m not spending the next ten thousand years working through them all.  
  
Emperor: (a short laugh) Sounds rather troublesome. And from what I’ve seen of your people, that might not be the most effective method either.  
  
Isha: (groans) I know, but I’d rather try and fail than not even bother to make the effort, and I know I can get at least enough of them to make myself heard by the rest, regardless of their feelings on the matter.  
  
Emperor: And then? I can’t help but be concerned that you’ll just end up making another Eldar Empire and restarting the issues that lead to all this in the first place.  
  
Isha: (sigh) I really don’t have much proof of my intentions besides my own word, not that you have much reason to trust it...  
  
Emperor: Indeed. (suggestive voice) However, I think I can allow you some leeway so long as you provide some of your more prominent talents...  
  
Isha: (perks up) Oh, I would be delighted to!  
  
Emperor: (beat and slightly confused tone) Really now.  
  
Isha: Well, I already have some ideas on how to help with the radiation damage I was noticing in a lot of the material you provided, as well as a list of more simple and easy to produce panaceas for the more common conditions and illnesses among those patients I healed. (short laugh) I am sorry about throwing that dataslate at you, by the way, I probably should have mentioned that I have some ability to work with your technology before I let you leave me with a bunch of it unsupervised, but I got a bit overprotective… I’m happy to make up for it by clarifying anything you find confusing about the more complex designs, and I’m fine with working on any projects you need my input or touch on, or even just advice if you don’t trust me to actually get near them.  
  
Emperor: (long beat before a flat tone) What.  
  
Isha: (taps her mouth, looking up at the ceiling) Well, any projects besides weaponizing diseases, I am not going to give that warp pustule any chance of an in on my remaining essence because of overlapping influences, but I can definitely cure such things should I get some samples first.  
  
Emperor: That’s not what I- (frustrated sigh) fine, those will do for now. Just… give me a moment to get the details of the deal finalized, and then we can talk about your first few official projects.  
  
Isha: Of course, I’m glad I can help while I’m here.  
  
[The Emperor gets to his feet.]  
  
Emperor: Enjoy your meal.  
  
Isha: Thank you for the food and the lodging.  
  
[The Emperor leaves the room, waiting for the door to close before heaving another frustrated sigh. He then looks forward and glares offscreen.]  
  
Emperor: Do you have something to say, Malcador?  
  
[The screen shifts slightly, showing Malcador standing there with a serene smile that in no way is hiding the fact that he’s laughing hysterically on the inside.]   
  
Malcador: I am just here to ensure that I am aware of all the details of the final agreement between you and our esteemed guest, your majesty.  
  
Emperor: You know, I’m sure you have plenty of other work to be doing besides this.  
  
Malcador: I am your primary diplomat, my liege, I would hate to be left unaware of any progress in relations with such a prominent foreign emissary.  
  
Emperor: (grumbling) It’s a work in progress, though I might have underestimated the time necessary to enact my plans for her.  
  
Malcador: Of course, I have no reason to doubt your impeccable charm and wit.  
  
[The two begin walking down the hall, the custodian escorts behind them as they move past the occasional servant hastily bowing or kotowing as they pass by.]  
  
Emperor: (sigh) Sometimes I struggle to remember how we became friends.  
  
Malcador: Age cripples even the best of us, though I would remind my liege that I currently am the one in charge of most of the projects that are keeping the Imperium from running itself into the ground.  
  
Emperor: (unimpressed look) I’m sure I can find and train a few other perpetuals to replace you within the decade.  
  
Malcador: I eagerly await the day I am finally allowed to take a vacation, my lord.  
  
Emperor: (huffs) Don’t hold your breath too long, I still need to-  
  
[A wave of psychic power washes through the room, causing the servants on screen to collapse and the custodians to hold their hands to where their ears would be if they weren’t wearing their helmets.]  
  
Malcador: What was that? It feels like it came from the west.  
  
Emperor: (staggers and pales) The primarchs!  
  
[The Emperor teleports out, the custodians panicking and gathering close to Malcador, who is wiping away a small streak of blood trickling from his nose.]  
  
Leonidas: Lord Malcador, the menials are all unconscious or dead! What should we do?  
  
Malcador: (silent for a moment) ...try to find any of the workers who are still awake and have them gather the dead and bring them to the usual place. I have to get to my offices and prepare a statement to our allies on what just happened.  
  
Leonidas: As you command!   
  
[The custodians salute before rushing off, leaving Malcador alone to his brooding.]  
  
Malcador: Of course things couldn’t just go right for once… this is what I get for trying out optimism for a day...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: And so TTS is mostly caught up to the main story again. Honestly, I am so happy I was able to work in the pun for the title as well as the fantastic tone change between Nurgle's assumptions and what's really happening with Isha, just because it's absolutely fantastic.
> 
> Next sidestory update should actually be something besides TTS! I have a vague outline for it, but I need to sit down and actually write it out, and with other projects I'm working on... yeah. :V


End file.
